Friday, October 29, 2004

now, i just don't say it

... or make an effort to convince myself to say it.

i really know that i am alright. after months of struggling with myself, with agnes, with my work, the struggle has ended. the light has finally broken into the darkness, now i know that i am right with what i would be doing. now i am confident that i would be cool to move on.

past two weeks were terrible. it was as if, i felt that everything needs to be done. coupled with resentment in the office, the brewing agitation between me and agnes, it feels as if i shouldn't be there anymore. pressure + not liking your job + boss not liking you = recipe for disaster.

or so i thought. wednesday came, and we had the usual secretariat meeting. i prepared myself for the meeting, for inevitably the issue on my resignation would have to be put on line. i woke up trying to build a defense wall. but while walking to matina, i got tired of doing it in my mind, that i prayed and asked god to just be there with me. i would be a fool to defend myself because i know that deep down in my soul, i am doing the right thing.

the meeting started unusually, with cynthia starting off with a prayer for thanksgiving for the abundance that we have received. that was when my heart to beat very fast. damn, it felt like another trick of making me feel better before, taking out a knife so that i die happily.

and i was wrong. the processing did let me feel better, but it was neither a trick nor something that involves any sharp objects (not even including the tongue), nor did it come close to dying.

rather it was a confirmation of sorts. it was all that i needed to hear. it was ipe who said it:

there are two kinds of relationships in AADC. the first and the more important one is the co-worker relationship. because that is the first one that bonded everyone together. the other relationship is the one that involved the friendly, family relationship that the organizational culture has brought into the picture. now, in order to remain sane, one must balance those two kinds of relationships for they happen almost simultaneously of each other.

and then it struck me:

if anyone of us feels that he does not belong anymore, that he feels that the thing that he is doing is not making him feel good... then it is but ok to accept that and the co-worker relationship can end. but, the other relationship need not be broken.

i was nodding all the time, while our executive director was saying this. eureka! all that i needed to hear.

now i know, why it is not important to make a big fuss out of my resignation anymore. why i do not need to be convinced otherwise. for i already know what i wanted, and what i do not want. and it would be useless to ask me to stay, when all that i am wants out.

it felt good, because i know that i am leaving because i am not giving up. i am leaving because i wanted to do newer things. change. and i am leaving happily. i would carry the skills that i learned, the relationships that have blossomed with co-workers and coalition members alike.

it never felt this good in a long long time. liberation at last, from my doubts, from all the bondage and limits that i have inadverently set against myself. free to move on at last!

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