Thursday, June 02, 2005

3 years

i was so busy yesterday and last night that i have almost completely forgotten. had it not been for anj's new blog announcement, i would not have remembered. for june 1, 2002 is the first day of the jvp year of myself, ninin's, dax'.

being assigned in davao, started my love affair with her. from the moment i opened the envelope containing the area of assignment in the pre-orsem, i knew that i was meant to be here. and i would love to be here.

okay, so i am not in davao today, but i am still in mindanao. and i go home every weekend. fair enough.

my whole jesuit volunteer philippines (jvp) experience during that faithful year, sent into motion a wide range of events, experiences, not all happy, not all sad. but all fulfilling, all very human just the same, and precisely the reasons why i am here. why, i am still here.

my chest feels like it is about to explode as i bang on the keyboard. for why, i seem to have lacked the reason for. i know i should be happy and proud and all that, but somehow i cannot say that i am proud and happy at a hundred percent. damn, i felt the pangs of guilt as i wrote that sentence.

how can i not be happy when all that i want (well, almost all that i want) is right at the tips of my fingers? how can i not feel proud enough when i have stayed and enjoyed my adventures in davao and in mindanao? maybe i need a recommitment thingy. or maybe, i need to go back from where my heart resides.

but i still don't know.

i seem to be at the part where the river meets the ocean. much like my favorite view in davao. i seem to be at a place of difficulty because of the confusion. brackish as they say. much turmoil seems to be hidden beneath the surface, as the tides tug against each other. uncertainty and the point of not knowing comes into play. i could stay in this state longer but i feel that a force is beckoning my spirit to move. the move is not physical though. that i am sure of.

but then again, i could also be at a place of great opportunity. for right behind me is the comforts of the river, and right up front is the vastness of the ocean. i just need to decide on what direction i should be heading for me to set things in their proper destiny.


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