eyeball

meeting someone the first time is not quite my idea of an adventure. but heck, i just found myself saturday night, dressed in my shorts, TWO sandals, and white shirt, with only 300 pesos in one pocket and yosi on the other. with my cellphone in tow and belly carrying san mig light plus a mentality of "what am i going to loose?" i went out and met her.

i don't know what came over me. perhaps it is just the notion that i am feeling alone these days, that any chance to have a certain connection with another person is a good thing as any other. though i have my friends (which i am thankful that they are always around), i cannot help the feeling of isolation.

this feeling of alienation has been nagging me. it has constantly created a void of difference between people that i have come to care about. it has fashioned for itself a bubble around this silly person that i am.

needless to say, after downing two more bottles of red horse, our meeting was over, with no other prospects of a repeat. sure, she was quite interesting, but somehow, the connection that i long to corner simply isn't there.

i complain of being alone, but i have no initiative to open up with people. damn, sometimes i hate myself for not being able to know what i really want.

and so i start this week, another trip to knowing. looking forward to one of questions and answers that somehow doesn't fit. but i also look forward to being able to sense through this all. somehow, it might be easier to close my eyes and let my feelings point to where i should go.