Wednesday, June 16, 2004

lost in transition

been trying to write in the past two days. but somehow the words have failed me. i did try to open blogger's "create a new post page" everyday, but the keyboard wouldnt click, the fingers wouldnt move. i am stuck.

i have just awoken from a very long night, with little sleep. i was talking to dax and ninin (3/4 of the davao boys... namiss namin bigla si mike), and just basically updating each other of the craziness of this world we are living in.

dax and i had a few bottles of beer. when ninin joined us, we went to our not so favorite coffee shop in davao, blugre and just did a caffeine shot with a serving of chocolate sylvanas. coffee was normal, but the sylvanas are worth a second serving... yummm


that was one of the topics we were engaged in. transition, is somewhere in between the spectrum of here to there. somewhere, or somehow it is an unknown of sorts. and the best (or worst) thing about it, is that no one will ever know for sure if they are walking (or running, or dilly-dallying, or... shit whatever, maybe just "passing through') in it in themselves, until they are told so.

it is a necessary evil, when one explores outside the comfort zone. it is a tunnel, yes a dark tunnel at that, where the only source of light can be just a tight squinch of the eye, or a dot of white on a canvass of blank.

two years hence, we three began questioning our own respective transitions. dax and ninin's have their own issues, but my demon is a friend of mine. she is a friend, personally, but when it comes to work we are, to put it nicely... civil. but i'd rather not talk about her yet.

and i felt a little bit lost when i realized that the unknown in my transition has created a maze of passageways that seems to be leading everywhere... but here. it has been prodding me to move, but it is not telling me where. as i face the paths that lay before me, my stomach turns because the choices are all attractive yet so devious.

the easiest thing is to take the position of the "non-choice." the temptation to just stare at the options and not to pick one, hoping that the forces of the universe would just tip you towards one side, thereby "making" the decision for you.

but how can i move on with the transition if i would not choose?

(if only i can come up with a term for a question that needs no answer, that is how i would call this statement.)

but the transition in all its twists and turns, can be a place of rest too. while it gives a feeling of being lost, it embraces the tired soul and prepares it for the next segment of the journey.

i feel that i am nearing the end of this transition. i will give it six months the max... and then i would be off to my next journey. the signs are being set up, paths are slowly appearing and the north wind is blowing again. it is whispering softly in my ear and giving me the shivers each time it comes.

in the next six months, it is beckoning me to either build or destroy, to create or to obliterate. but most of all it is renewing its call for me to be true. to be the "lost boy" that i am, the wanderer that i have become, and the searcher that i could be.

and so i am off, in the greatest transition of all... life.

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