kahulugan

i've been running around since july kicked in. now almost the mid-point of july, i feel that i have done so much already, but it seems never enough. i have written countless pages, thought about the wildest ideas... i have given my best.

but coming into the office today, i feel that it never seems to be enough. the GA is getting nearer and nearer everyday, 14 days to go. my dad's birthday is today, and i haven't greeted him yet, as his phone is out of coverage/or probably turned off. damn, my stress level is going beyond its limits.

then as i sat down to do this entry, i remembered fr. soc's homily in one of the masses i attended. i think it was the send-off mass before the youth camp in 97. i remembered him talking about meaning, about "kahulugan."

he said that the word kahulugan holds such a deep meaning in tagalog. its image is something like that of a farmer planting the seeds that would bear his harvest after 4 months. he bores a hole on the ground, and patiently puts a seed into it and covers the hole. "ang bawat butas ay "HUHULUGAN" niya ng isang binhi, dahil sa paglilibing nito ay magkakaroon ito ng kaganapan."

though the seed would not know that it would grow into a plant, while it is still a seed. it lets the farmer bury it, for it to die and grow into a plant.

although the story still does not explain my meaning, my "kahulugan." i just know that i am a seed being buried, hinu-HULOG sa butas ng buhay, and i know that the confusion, the period of the unknown would bring life into me later on.

i may not know it now, but the hand that planted me knows. and i found a piece of peace in that.