closer to clear

more or less. i could almost see myself where i would be headed come 2005. finally, i was able to state clearly what i want. not the ramblings, and complains and yaya that i say so in between bottles of beer or with a sordid ugly look on my face.

thanks to ross, i articulated in one clear sentence on what i see myself next. i want a new organization!

that is what i want. it could still be aadc, but it should able to give me nourishment and a sense of achievement. or it could be another organization, but it should still follow my desire to work (hence, play) in mindanao. slowly it is becoming clearer and clearer.

i think i have gone beyond the feeling of hopelessness about my situation and moving on into the hope and the possibilities of this change that is whispering softly in my mind. the chance to explore new boundaries, both in the geographical and in the experiential. the movement towards greater things to do, more accomplishments of my human spirit. and the unlimited potentials of contributing in turning causes into realities.

the adventure continues. and it would move on beyond what is it now.

in the meantime, i should be readying myself in making a grand exit. all systems seems to be in place. there is of course the obscene amount of stuff that i would need to accomplish, there is the goodbyes to the old and the welcoming of the new. and turn-over of jobs and other shit like that.

but i am glad, because suddenly, i am out of the fit. and clarifying what i wanted is the first step that i took in moving on. pity i was not able to take it earlier, maybe i need not endure this long. but the "process" must be respected. maturity comes with a price, and the price is more often than not, making the necessary mistakes and turn-arounds that needs to be experienced to learn from them.

my next step is to look for another organization where i could fit, my talents maximized that could still help out in development. one of my greatest fear though, what if i do not get something that i want? that question was answered too, by "at least i would not be doing something where my heart is not there anymore."

and even if my next organization turn out to be another wrong turn, at least i have done something, rather than feel miserable and disappointed at the way my boss is handling things.

i could be missing out on things, but i know i have to move and act before i loose my sanity. the unhealthiness of working hard yet not feeling good is already making a monster out of me. work has turned into something like alcoholism. alcoholics know that when they drink too much, its bad for their liver. and when they get drunk they could throw up or something, but still they'd go into the same pattern over and over until they waste away.

i certainly abhor that situation. i need to feel good at work, at what i do. and i have been missing a lot on this already, many times in the past couple of months.

and besides, even if i do not get a job after december, i could always go to camiguin and work for food and a bed at ross' enigmata tree house galeri.

that is a possibility, but i hope it would not be my only.