Friday, October 08, 2004

what's keeping?

there were times in the past few months that i have felt as if there is really nothing going for me. i felt numb, paralyzed and frustrated seeing that i am unhappy and not being able to do anything to feel otherwise.

a wall would fall upon my chest in those mornings and i would be startled by the silence of my room. and i would carry that burden on my shoulders. i would try to smile but i would rake my insides for that strength to maintain that smile. i look forward to seeing friends, even if i do not talk about anything, their presence somehow gives me a little extra strength to make it through the day. when sleep comes, my body and my mind feels so tired, that i would not remember if my baggage was ever lifted or not.

but in those turbulent days, i see rays of hope... little reminders that things are going to be alright. i have been wishing all these time too, for a little bit of manila air. i miss coming home, the comfort that was manila... damn somehow i miss the grind, the quick pace, the impersonality of strangers and the warmth of loved ones. i miss the polluted air, that makes me sneeze to no end. i miss the high cost of living, and dying. i miss the home of all 25 years of my 27 (countdown to 28).

and i was thunderstruck by shiva when she asked me one time, "what's keeping you?" i froze and the words i have said as an advice many times over came echoing in my ears. that's right! nothing is keeping me, except probably myself.

it is just me who has undergone so much change that is fearing another jut in the routine (of change that is). me, myself (i would have added irene, but right now it's just me... :)).

and finally, i am getting what i wanted. i am coming home for the weekend. and i would not miss manila for a time, probably until december.

after all, nothing can stop me from doing what i want to happen in my life. even if the thought of still feeling unhappy when i get back... but i doubt it. the first step to liberation from unhappiness is doing something, anything at all.

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