when i started working, i have often thought it of higher value. when i talk about priorities, it should be at the top. higher than relationships. was quite ashamed to say it so before. because i know that relationships should and be there at the top of all things.
but certain turns of events along the way does not say so. when it comes to points of decision, when i am presented with choices between work and relationships. i would almost always choose work.
yet secretly feeling guilty.
its not that relationships are not important. yes, it is important, but not as important as doing good in the work. not as utmost as achieving great stuff within the parameters of the job.
as far as i can remember, i have felt my best when i am doing well at my job. and when things, get rough and not exactly palatable, that is when that mild depressions kicks in. that is when i feel so shitty about most stuff in my life.
and as soft as the morning breeze, it dawned on me. actually, it was anj who was doing most of the dawning. all these feelings about the conflict between the two, the stuff that makes me wanna choose one over the other. all those guilt trips that i have unwittingly punished myself with, are just plainly, that. guilt trips that went against the "normalcy" of the society i am in.
when boundaries blur, sometimes it becomes easier which side to uphold. because, like most polarities, work and relationships almost always asks for a balance. yet, it becomes all the more ironic when i have realized that its not about getting only one. for it is by choosing which polarity i am, i eventually uphold and make good at the other.
for, i think at least at this point, relationships cannot be good when work is not satisfying. the idea of settling with someone, just must have to wait, until the stability of work is achieved.
when i took ipe's advice last year to find someone so that work becomes passionate, i was a bit hesitant . but not knowing where to start from, i gave it a shot. well, 2004 was a bit off key. as the expecation of doing my job well, all the more got crappy, especially when relationships started to fail one by one.
probably this year, when i have geared myself of doing well in my job, i would sooner or later stumble on someone to have relationship with. till then, the music plays on and the road extends on.