Saturday, August 13, 2005

a certain kind of sadness

its almost 11pm, davao time on a saturday night. any given saturday, i would not be in front of the computer. at these times, i would have been at the town square, or the venue, or somewhere else where beer and music flows.

this particular night was different. instead, i found myself pondering on a question that has been on mind but has not been voiced out for a time already. allow me to do the asking:

how long would this state of hapiness last?

i must say that i have been quite happy since january. i have seen the good in things most of the time thus far. it has been a nice almost-eight-months of laughter and basically being in the good natured side of things. yet, there seems to be the growing feeling that this good thing would not last very long.

its not that i am wishing for this state of eupohoria (if i may) to be thrown out of the window. but somehow, all these good seems to be temporary. somewhere in the complexities of this mind, a tiny voice squeaks and challenges the beauty of the months that have been.

i seem to be wallowing on a certain sadness that has not completely lost its foothold in me. it sounds like a reminder found in men's urinals at eye level that tells me - "hey dude, better cherish that smile, cause it will soon turn upside down..." damn, i hate that feeling.

it is scary at some degree. i have been accustomed to being happy, that i am not sure whether i can cope with another brunt just beyond the bend.

but why?

i look at work, it looks ok. i look at relationships, i have a few cherishable ones. i look at my health, kinda frail as i seem to be loosing weight and gaining inches in my waist. i look at my general self esteem, and i can still say that its still quite strong to weather any unexpected blow.

however, there there is that unexplainable feeling that all would be challenged. the things i believed in, the decisions i've made, the paths i've chosen. it feels as if i am on a race against no one, and i am getting pretty tired of it.

tomorrow, am going to manila for a meeting with ben and maco. it is one of the times that i am not looking forward to.

maybe it is just the apprehension of leaving mindanao...
perhaps the uneasiness of the stability of life somehow...

i don't know. sometimes, time stops to set things right. and maybe this is one of those times.

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