wipe that grin off your face

its been ages since i read and finished a decent book. i can't even remember the last one that held me. and its even longer since i wrote something what i've read. so here goes the over analytic jerry in me, trying to make sense out of good omens (by neil gaiman and terry pratchett).

the world is an interesting place to live in. why? because it is populated by humans. if only the last creature that god created are not humans, then it would have been simpler. he was so far ahead in the first five days, until it came into his mind that he needed someone to foil up perfection.

thus, on saturday (though, this is highly debatable, i can see fr. miranda's eyes widening... anyways) he took some mud and created our parents. and worse he gave that creature something that could make and break (hopefully either or, but we must admit, its make and break at the same time) his creation. he gave humans: free will.

and then it got nasty.

flash forward, 4million years to now. and we see the world that is ours. we see war, famine, pollution (i know, i know, don't blame me, blame gaiman and pratchett) and yes death. we see it everyday, and we know it exists where it matters. in our minds.

had i been god, i would have been sad. i would have regretted that sixth day. i would have stopped at angels and demons. angels and demons are simpler. if you are good then you are with me, if you are bad then you are my enemy. no gray areas, no uncertainty. ineffable.

i mean, where is the love (insert black eyed peas intro here)? where is the grandeur of creation when you see fellow filipinos fighting against each other? when you meet up with leaders who've one way or the other made an attempt to pocket some project funds (some have succeeded mind you)? and the worst is, i have to work with them. i have to believe that they can still help out their communities. even if the heart of me wants to damn them to eternal suffering.

okay, so i have issues.

but the point is, at the end of the day. i have to deal with humans. no angels. no demons. humans who are capable to choose. worthy of being good as much as being bad. humans who make this world's knees buckle in his (or her as the case may be) greediness and self centeredness. and humans who lend a fresh face to beauty in her (or his as the case may be) unselfish sacrifice of oneself.

that is why it so freaking hard!

but i am not god (thank god). i am a dude, whois trying to make sense of this world i've inherited from who knows who. i am just your typical, easy go lucky 'george' whois looking after himself in this chaotic and un-comprehendable world.

the man and the woman, i've learned early can bring about the destruction of the world. but they are also the hope of creation. they can make a life beautiful, the way that a mother looks at her newborn child. or the way someone tells you not to sleep yet, cause she's got something to say :)

i think that gives a more meaningful meaning (hah! i just have to put that in) to this life that i am in. in as much as i can make myself miserable, and sad, and 'menopausal' (not that i would be, not in a million years, but you know what i mean is being in sapot mode), i can also choose to be happy, to open up to life's challenges, to love and be open to being loved.

i guess that's what makes us special in god's eyes. for we can, and would always like to choose. destiny might be a word that i can associate with free will. that's all there is to it. i choose who i wanna be, and i go where my heart tells me. even if all these choosing can make me sad (or damned) in the end. at the end of the day, i choose my destiny.

and in the midst of all the pains that i've been through (work life, family life, davao life, kabacan life, manila life, love life, life in general, life in specific), there is something in me that makes me want to smile... nay, grin is more like it.

because in between all of those and/or happening one after the other, there is something nice (exact and precise) that is meant for me. now if only i can have a peek at that plan (or as would fr. manoling and fr. johnny would refer to as the greater scheme of things.)